When the sun shines upon you....

Originally published March 15, 2009

I had a bad year.

Actually, I had two bad years in a row, but it was this last one which shook my faith in humanity.

You see, before this year, I was a post-Catholic secular idealist — not the sappy Utopic-Save-The-Whales kind, but instead the type who prided herself on a cautiously optimistic, proof-based worldview. While acknowledging the troubles of our species, I nonetheless held steadfast in my belief that, if given the chance, altruism would trump self-centeredness; that reason would prevail over irrational action….that the “greater good” was an ideal held by almost everybody….

But like I said, I had a bad year and I don’t believe these things anymore….at least, not in the same way.

My story is a common one and begins in my darkest hour: facing the painful truths of human shortcomings (including my own), finding God and the Catholic Church, being awestruck by His Grace, and seeing the world no longer through a lens of “proofs” but instead with the heart of the faithful. The light began to shine upon my world.

But alas....my newly renewed faith was immediately tested by a common vice: human frailty....

The trials in my life continued unabated. Despite efforts to the contrary (prayer, communion, a small community of fellow believers, the support of an awesome priest), I buckled and my mood descended into bitterness and cynicism. I smiled less, trusted few, and indulged in self-pity and lack of forgiveness. (What a rotten start for a newly returned Catholic!)

Even after I departed the trial-ridden situation, the deep bitterness persisted. The effect was toxic. My world turned into "poor me" fest. Few wanted to be near me. I even started a blog detailing the betrayed ideals of my former self.....ignoring the damage done by spreading discontent.

Yet, yet….God stayed with me, and I with Him (though meekly, I must admit). Finally, after much prayer and reflection, a new optimism quietly emerged. Smiles returned and bitterness melted. Hope and duty re-entered my horizon.

Looking back, it was an actually an enlightened year. While my faith in the human race unraveled, the loss opened my mind and heart to a true and rich life — one anchored by faith and trust in our Lord. And it is only through Him, that we can become our best selves and begin to embrace a greater, lasting good.

Thanks be to God.